Hamm's Beer, Anyone?

Some funny quotes coming out of Red Sox spring training camp, courtesy of today's Boston Globe. Even though the identity of the players who are subjected to steriod testing is supposed to be kept confidential, slugging DH/1B David Ortiz (aka Florida Evans from "Good Times") came right out and told everyone he was one of a handful of Sox players who was chosen for testing.

"They pick me [to be tested] every time. I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I'm a big guy or what, but all I know is all they are going to find is a lot of rice and beans."

The quote itself is pretty funny, but when I envision the lab scenario as the test results play themselves out, that's when it gets even more funny to me.

Geek #1 in lab coat: "Here's Ortiz's results."
Geek #2 in lab coat: "Holy canoli, man. Have you ever seen such levels of rice and beans?"
Geek #1 in lab coat: "Not in my twenty-seven years as a middle-class lab tester with horn-rimmed glasses have I seen anything remotely like this."
Geek #2 in lab coat: "Did you notice all the pudding, too?"

Ah, anyway. The other amusing quote comes from Terry Francona, the Red Sox head coach who looks a lot like one of those little h'orderve mini hot dogs. Reacting to news that Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling had been called to testify by Congress in light of the steroid scandal, Francona made his opinion known about the chances of Curt Schilling ever testing positive for steroids.

"Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen him in the shower? If Snickers are considered illegal, he may be on them."

I will not be envisioning any kind of scenario in that regard, sorry.